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alovethingBack to Part 3.
Jared and Jensen spend a lazy Sunday afternoon holed up in their room getting hot and sweaty despite the crisp air outside. By the time they’re finished Jared is wincing at the ache in his ass, courtesy of Jensen’s revenge for the pounding Jared gave him on Halloween.
They’re roused by an insistent knocking on their door and they share a quizzical look, each pulling on a pair of sweats before Jared gets up to answer it. Misha slides in as soon as Jared opens it, slamming the door shut and leaning back against it.
“What’s up, Mish-Mash?” Jensen coos, and Misha shoots him a deadly glare.
“Call me that again and Jared will mourn the loss of your dick,” he seethes. Jensen shudders theatrically and sits on the edge of one of the beds as Jared flips the air mattress up against the wall to make room.
“Ooh, scary,” Jensen says sarcastically, and Misha narrows his ice blue eyes. “We all know you love it when James calls you that.”
“Seriously,” Misha says, pointing a stern finger at him. “Dick, balls. All of it, gone.”
“You try to act all tough, but truth is, you adore us,” Jensen singsongs, hands interlocking under his chin as he flutters his eyelashes. Misha shoots Jared a glare and Jared bites his lip to keep from cracking up.
“What the fuck is his deal?” Misha asks, waving an angry hand in Jensen’s general direction. Jared runs his fingers through his tangled hair and shrugs helplessly.
“He got to top,” Jared says blandly, and Misha rolls his eyes.
“Of course. All the power went to his head because he’s such a fucking nelly bottom,” Misha replies, spitting the last few words at Jensen, who just hums happily and flips him off.
“Basically,” Jared retorts. “Gotta let him think he’s tough and manly every once in awhile.”
“Y’all can try and destroy my amicable mood,” Jensen says, stretching and grabbing his phone off of the floor. “But you’ll fail. I’m a happy boy today.”
“Your ass must be magical,” Misha says to Jared, who merely shrugs. It does seem to possess certain happy-making qualities when it comes to his boyfriend.
“Is there a reason you’re hiding in our room?” Jared asks, and Misha rolls his eyes as he drops into a desk chair.
“We’re his favorite,” Jensen repeats as he tosses his phone aside and lies back on the bed. Jared drops on top of him and Jensen lets out an oomph, wrapping his arms around Jared’s neck and laughing.
“He’s sort of right,” Misha replies, rubbing the back of his neck. He’s seemingly unperturbed by their excessive and over exuberant public displays of affection. But all their friends sort of have to be if they ever want to occupy the same room as the two of them at the same time. “If by favorite he means least annoying. Usually.”
“You say potato, I say – "
“Shut up, Jensen. Damn.”
“Anyway,” Misha starts. “Fucking 208 keeps coming to me because her boyfriend dumped her. Which, okay, sucks for her and everything. But they went out for two weeks. Two weeks! And now because I’m her RA I’m expected to get fat off of Haagen-Dazs and watch Hope Floats with her? No. Fuck that. I don’t have the patience for that shit.”
James walks in their room unannounced, slipping his phone in his pocket. Jared rolls his eyes. Jensen obviously alerted James of their visitor.
“You don’t have the patience for most things, Mish-Mash,” James says, and Jensen lets out a snort of laughter. “And I prefer Ben and Jerry’s.”
“So I’m hiding out in here,” Misha says, completely ignoring James. “Most people don’t come in here because they’re too afraid they’re either going to a, walk in on gay sex, or b, Jensen will rip their fucking head off. Usually,” he adds, narrowing his eyes at Jensen’s lazy grin like he’s annoyed that he’s lost his comrade in bitchiness.
“I for one barge in here hoping to walk in on gay sex,” James says, and unceremoniously drops down onto Misha’s lap. He wraps his arms around the agitated RA’s neck and Misha spits and hisses, trying but failing to push him off. “Don’t fight it, Mish-Mash! Embrace your feelings!”
“I hate you,” Misha says, letting his forehead drop forward onto James’s shoulder. “So much hate.”
“That’s a lie,” Jensen shouts, nudging Jared’s shoulder happily and gesturing towards them. Jared smiles fondly. Jensen has secretly been rooting for the mismatched couple since day one. He thinks they’d be perfect for each other and Jared is inclined to agree, but he is so not down with playing Cupid to a bunch of clueless upperclassmen.
The four of them eventually settle into comfortable positions, hiding from the world and watching TV late into the night. Jared is relaxed and amused, due to Jensen dozing lazily with his head on his lap and Misha slapping James’s arm every single time he tries to put it around his shoulders but never pulling away.
Jared thinks maybe he should pull Misha aside, teach him a thing or two about not realizing what you’ve got right in front of your face. Jared is well versed in that particular subject.
You’ve got to open your eyes, realize that you already have what you’ve wanted all along, and then take it.
And then it’s yours to keep forever, if you can manage to hold onto it for that long.
Jared is just leaving work when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He grabs it and doesn’t glance at the display, assuming that it’s Jensen.
“Hey,” he answers, taking a giant bite of a cranberry orange muffin.
“Uh, hey.” Jared swallows painfully. It’s Chris, who he hasn’t spoken to since he kissed Jensen three days ago. Well, this should be pleasant. Or, you know, not.
“What’s up, Chris?” Jared asks politely. He’s sort of the forgiving type, and he is pretty much over what happened. Kind of. Not that he’s ready to make friendship bracelets with the dude who wants to bang his boyfriend, but still.
“This is fucking awkward,” Chris starts, “but, uh, I wanted to call and say sorry, you know? For the other night.”
“Okay, thanks,” Jared replies as he climbs into his truck and shuts the door. “I’m not gonna say it wasn’t fucked up, but I think I can be convinced to let you live.”
“Good, ‘cause you know I’d never do anything, right?” There’s a pause. “On purpose, that is. You kids are it, ya know? I’d be damn foolish to try to get in the way of that. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t.”
Jared furrows his brow. This seems like quite a speech to apologize for drunkenly kissing Jensen. Jared is about to say something, but Chris continues.
“This is my shit, dude. And I’ll deal with it,” Chris says decisively, letting out a harsh sigh and completely rocking Jared’s world in a not very good way.
It hits Jared then, like a kick to the gut. Chris isn’t just dealing with residual lust from their extended fling, he’s fucking in love with Jensen.
The coffee he drank during his shift rolls unpleasantly in his belly and he stares blankly out of the windshield until Chris calls his name.
“Uh, good to hear, Chris,” he mumbles. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Listen, I’m driving so I need to go. Thanks for calling.”
He hangs up before Chris can respond, dropping his phone onto the seat. He buries his fingers in his hair and tips his head back. He isn’t exactly sure what the proper protocol is when you find out that your boyfriend’s ex-something or other is in love with him. Jensen and Chris have a history. Not nearly as long and extensive as their own, but it’s still there.
His phone goes off, distracting him from his thoughts. It’s a new text from Jensen. You off work yet? I’m in Chad’s room. Come here instead of ours. Hurry, before the coffee smell wears off! <3
It makes Jared smile, and he tries to push this new information to the back of his mind. It doesn’t really matter, anyway.
not in public u freak. be right there. He sends the text and takes a deep breath before starting his truck.
It doesn’t matter. It means nothing.
Jared normally doesn’t try to over think things, which is evident by the fact that he fucked Jensen within hours of the other boy confessing his feelings for him, when the normal response might have been to freak out, to thinks things over a little. Not that he regrets his decision, but still. He didn’t really think that hard about it. It just sort of happened.
But this thing with Chris? That he thinks about. He thinks about it as he parks in his normal spot and walks to the dorm, thinks about it when he enters the dorm and climbs the stairs. He hears the sounds of delighted laughter but they don’t even really register, he’s thinking so hard. But then he lets himself into Chad’s room, one floor below his own, and promptly stops thinking.
Chad is alone in the room, sitting on his bed with a hardcover copy of Twilight open on his lap. He barely glances up when Jared enters the room and he raises a curious eyebrow. Chad is reading Twilight of what appears to be his own free will, and Jared doesn’t really know what to do with that.
“Bit of light reading?” Jared chuckles, and Chad glares up at him.
“Sophia is making me read it,” Chad grumbles, licking a fingertip and flipping the page. “The movie is coming out in a few weeks, and I apparently have to be prepared.” He adds finger quotes around the last bit, but doesn’t stop reading.
“Okay, but is she forcing you to enjoy it?” Jared laughs, stretching until his back pops. “You look pretty enthralled, dude.”
“Fuck you,” Chad shoots back. “Like Jensen never makes you do shit you don’t wanna do. I bet he can withhold sex with the best of them. Think they fucking take classes, man.”
“Luckily for me, I’m not dating a girl,” Jared replies with a gleeful smirk. Famous last words, apparently.
Jensen and Sophia burst into the room then, a red feather boa tangled around both of their necks. Sophia giggles, and Jared recognizes it as the laughter that was bouncing around the halls. They set down a small mountain of soda and candy onto the desk and Jensen bounces over to Jared, throwing his arms around him. Sophia squeaks as she is jerked forward by the boa and Jared coughs as he inhales feathers and perfume.
“Mmm, Arabica beans,” Jensen moans, inhaling deeply. Jared knits his brows together and awkwardly hugs them both.
“As you were saying?” Chad says smugly. Jared blinks. While it’s true that Jensen is astonishingly gay, Jared didn’t really think he was feather boa gay. Actually, he’s never thought of anyone as feather boa gay before. “Also,” Chad continues, “our girlfriends were hella rocking out to Britney Spears earlier.”
Until now. Jensen is officially feather boa gay.
“Was not!” Jensen shrieks, pulling away from Jared to whirl on Chad. Sophia wraps her arm around Jensen’s waist, because she’s sort of stuck to him and he won’t stop moving. “I was farting and ya know, burping!” He situates himself behind Sophia and reaches up to grab at her chest. “Feelin’ up chicks!”
“Whoa, hey!” Chad calls out, dropping his book. “Get your hands off of her tits!”
“Calm down,” Sophia giggles, reaching up to put her hands over Jensen’s. Jared just sort of stares. And tries not to get turned on. Seeing Jensen feel up a girl is strangely hot, but also just unnatural. “He sees them all the time. Like, when we go shopping.”
“That’s right,” Jensen says, pressing his large hands against Sophia’s boobs. Jared shifts his hips and Chad looks enraged. “I’m gay. I could motorboat these bad boys and there’s nothing you could do about it.”
Chad glares, eyes narrowing into slits. Jared just laughs. Sophia twirls around in Jensen’s arms, looping her arms around his neck.
“And we were so jamming to Britney. Don’t lie.” She starts up with a chorus of la la la’s and Jensen scrunches his face up, like he’s trying not to get into it. But when Sophia leans over to flip on the stereo, filling the room with loud pop music, he loses it. Jared watches in horror as his gorgeous boyfriend, who can play the guitar and sings him sweet lullabies, starts butchering an already awful Britney Spears song. There is only one possible explanation.
“Where’d you guys get the weed?” Jared asks, spinning on his heels to face Chad. Jared waves his arm towards Jensen and Sophia, barely listening to them babble.
“Huh?” Chad asks, looking up from the book like he’s annoyed that Jared interrupted him.
“You’re all high,” Jared replies. “That’s the only time Jensen lets his soul crushing love of Britney be known. Remember the time at that club in San Francisco when they played Radar and I had to stop him from getting up on the bar to dance with all the other feather boa fags?”
“I was probably too busy trying to hide from the leather daddy with the sling, assfuck,” Chad says, glaring. He still doesn’t like to talk about that night. “And James gave us brownies,” he says, gesturing to the pan on the nightstand. Well, that isn’t surprising.
“And the feather boa?” Jared asks.
“Also James,” he replies. Sadly, that also isn’t surprising. He turns to watch Jensen and Sophia grind against each other, tilts his head to the side to admire them. They start singing the chorus, loud and breathy into each other’s faces.
“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. But all of the girls and all of the boys are begging to if you seek Amy!”
“Okay, we get it!” Chad yells, closing his book and holding his place with his index finger. “You’re both super pretty and everyone wants to bang you!”
”What?” Jared asks as Jensen and Sophia giggle and dance. “That song doesn’t even make any sense.”
“Say it slow,” Chad says. “If you seek Amy. F-U-C-K me. She’s saying fuck me. Now will you all shut the fuck up? Edward is showing her his sparkle!”
Chad blinks then, eyes widening. He looks down at the book in his lap, and then over at his girlfriend who is currently happily grinding against a homo. And he totally just explained a Britney Spears song.
“Oh my god,” Chad cries, throwing the book to the side. “Fuck my life!”
“Three cocks and I’m the only man in this room,” Jared chuckles, reaching over to take a special brownie. Jensen untangles himself from Sophia and the boa, running over to jump up into Jared’s arms. Jared has to stuff the entire brownie in his mouth to catch him in time and still stumbles a little, nearly dropping him.
“You’re such a man,” Jensen says, looking up at him with wide, glassy eyes. “You took it like a man last night. Didn’t you, baby? Took it all so good and begged for more.” Jared is unable to protest, mouth full of special brownie and arms full of stoned Jensen. But he did. He took it hard, and he loved it.
“Haha, fag!” Chad laughs, gasping when Sophia throws herself on top of him. Jensen slithers down to stand unsteadily on his own feet as Jared tries to swallow the massive brownie.
“I have to like Britney. It’s like, a prerequisite of being gay,” Jensen explains, molding himself against Jared’s side. “They’ll kick me out of the club if I don’t.”
“Four syllables means not enough brownie!” Chad calls out, gesturing towards the pan and laughing as Sophia giggles against his mouth. Jensen nods gravely and moves towards the pan. Jared smacks his hand away and takes another one for himself.
“Save some for me, stoner,” Jared says. Jensen just watches as Jared eats the brownie, eyes flicking back and forth between Jared’s lips and his eyes. As soon as he’s done eating, Jensen lunges for him. He stumbles back, catching himself against the wall and gripping Jensen’s hips. Jensen eats at his mouth, sliding his tongue inside and sucking at his lips, licking away every last trace of chocolate. Jared moans low in his throat, fingers tangling in Jensen’s hair as they make out.
It doesn’t take long for the pot to kick in. Jared doesn’t get stoned very often, and it just makes it that much better when he does. He’s completely relaxed – no stressing about classes, no being homesick, and no thinking about Chris’s revelation. Just him and Jensen, warm and pliant in each other’s arms.
They slide to the floor, Jared sitting back against Chad’s bed, his head inches from Sophia’s foot. Perhaps if they were all a little more sober, they’d find it weird that they were making out just a few feet from each other with Britney blasting on the stereo and bright red feathers littering the floor.
Chad’s roommate comes in a few minutes later, stammering and blushing when he spots them. Gabe is a good guy, just insanely bookish and reserved. He’s not really interested in coming out of his shell, and they aren’t interested in making him. Gabe clears his throat, breaking up the two couples.
“Gabe!” Chad calls out, extracting his hands from Sophia’s shirt. “What’s up, man?”
“Uh, nothing,” Gabe replies, eyeing Jared and Jensen tangled together on his floor with trepidation, like the two couples were mere moments from merging to create an orgy right there in his dorm room. “I could, uh – go somewhere else?”
“That’s okay,” Sophia says, rolling off of the bed. She’s wearing a tiny pair of shorts that show off her shapely legs and a tank top that Chad stretched out during their make out session, revealing ample cleavage. Gabe just stares at her, turning an intense shade of red. Jensen gets up on his knees, wrapping his arm around Sophia’s leg and leaning in to kiss her thigh, right at the hem of her shorts.
“Yeah, we can fuck anywhere, right?” Jensen asks, winking at Gabe who coughs and chokes on his own spit. Jared rolls his eyes and tugs Jensen to his feet. Chad just comes up and slings one arm over Jared’s shoulders, wrapping the other around Sophia’s waist.
“That’s true,” Chad says, leading them out of the room. Sophia brushes past Gabe and giggles while Chad reaches out to poke the tip of his nose. “Don’t wait up.”
“Coming, baby?” Jared calls out to Jensen, who grabs the pan of brownies and the boa, wrapping it around his neck. He throws Gabe another wink and hurries out the door to catch up with his friends.
“His face,” Jensen laughs once they reach he and Jared’s floor. “Fucking priceless!”
“That was pretty awesome,” Sophia relents. “Even if he does think I’m being passed around like a bong.”
“When’s my turn?” Jared asks, wiggling his eyebrows and reaching out to snag Sophia by the waist. She giggles and presses back against him.
“Anytime, tiger,” she rasps, and Chad grabs her arm and pulls her back.
“You’re not all the way gay, so you don’t get to touch! The only reason I don’t kick Jensen’s ass is because I don’t wanna get fuckin’ arrested for a hate crime,” Chad shouts, and Jared rolls his eyes as he tangles his fingers with Jensen’s. Jensen loops the boa around his neck as well.
“I’m pretty fuckin’ gay, dude,” Jared says, and Jensen grins at him. They’re nearly to Jared and Jensen’s room when James sticks his head out into the hallway.
“Ah, when I heard shouting about being pretty fucking gay, somehow I knew it would be you,” James says, stepping out into the hall. He grins at them, flicking at the feather boa around Jensen and Jared’s necks. “How you kids doing? Nice and relaxed?”
“You could say that,” Jared says, laughing when James smirks and takes the pan of brownies from Jensen. “I was just about to start a movie, if you guys wanna join me?”
“We were actually going to go have an orgy in Jared and Jensen’s room,” Sophia says, managing to keep a straight face. James just smirks. He’s sort of a walking bullshit detector.
“I’ve got a single. More room,” James says, holding the door open. Misha rounds the corner then, eyebrow rising apprehensively when he spots their group.
“This can’t be good,” he says, walking up to them. “What are you guys up to?”
“Oh, I’m just about to bring all these impressionable young freshman into my room so we can have group sex,” James says innocently. Misha just glares at him. “What? It’s a team building exercise!”
Misha looks at all of their faces and then at the pan of brownies in James’s hand.
“You didn’t,” Misha says flatly, and James grins serenely. “If I get in trouble because you got my freshmen stoned, I will fucking kill you.”
“Want one?” James asks calmly, holding the pan out. Misha glares at him for a few moments longer, and then looks around. He grabs a brownie and stuffs it in his mouth before continuing down the hall. “He is so fucking adorable.”
“If you say so,” Sophia says, pushing past James and into his room. They all follow and Jared drops down on the end of the couch, pulling Jensen into his lap.
James somehow wrangled one of the larger rooms on the floor, and not only that, he gets it all to himself. He has a large, comfortable couch in addition to his bed, and a huge flat panel television on the wall. Chad and Sophia take the other end of the couch and James drops down in the middle, eating a brownie as he starts the movie. He seems to have no problem sitting between two stoned, horny couples.
Jared isn’t even aware of what movie it is, because Jensen untangles the boa from their necks and drops it in James’s lap before leaning in to give Jared a soft kiss. They make out, soft and lazy, throughout the entire thing.
Jensen’s kisses are soft but passionate, tongue sweeping into his mouth. It makes Jared dizzy and he cups Jensen’s hip in his palm, thumb stroking back and forth across his tattoo. Jensen grins against his lips, his hand automatically slipping under Jared’s shirt to press against Jared’s ink as well.
“Mm, love you,” Jensen breathes, leaning in to kiss him again. Jared slides his other hand under the back of Jensen’s shirt, hand pressed against the smooth skin at the small of Jensen’s back.
“Love you too,” Jared whispers. They laugh when everyone loudly shushes them, but they don’t stop kissing.
He only wishes he could have seen the night for what it was – the calm before the storm.
A few days pass and Jared has mostly forgotten Chris’s accidental confession – mostly because he has been too busy to think about it. All of his professors saw it fit to dump massive amounts of homework on him all at once, and he’s been helping out at Ed’s a little more since one of the other employees randomly quit.
There is a floor party tonight that he’s pretty excited about. Most of his homework is done, and it’s Friday, so no class in the morning. He’s been stressed and frazzled pretty much since Halloween, and he feels about at his breaking point. He needs to relax a bit.
So, he sort of forgets about the Chris thing, until he is helpfully reminded.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Jensen says as Jared is bent over his Biology textbook, getting some last minute cramming in before class.
“Okay,” Jared says absently, pursing his lips when Jensen leans over to kiss his temple. Jensen is halfway across the room before Jared blinks, head popping up. “Wait, what? Where are you going?”
“Chris is in town,” Jensen replies, pulling on the black military jacket he looks way too fucking good in. “He had a meeting or something, so I was gonna hang out with him for awhile.”
Jared swallows hard, a strange wave of heat running through him and settling in his stomach. Just like that, he realizes that he hasn’t forgiven Chris. He doesn’t trust Chris. It’s still too easy to conjure up memories of Jensen and Chris kissing, of Jensen leaning in close and telling Jared about the things they would do to each other back before Jared realized he wanted to do them himself. Bottom line, he doesn’t want Chris anywhere near Jensen. At least not alone.
“I’ll come with you,” Jared says quickly, jumping up from the desk. His face is flushed with heat and he hopes Jensen doesn’t notice his reddened cheeks or the way his hands have started to shake slightly. Jensen gives him a confused look as he fusses with the collar of his jacket.
“You have class,” Jensen reminds him, and Jared just shrugs awkwardly.
“I’ll skip it,” he replies, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. According to the clock, he needs to leave for class within the next fifteen minutes. He hasn’t missed a class since the semester started, but he doubts he’d be able to pay much attention anyway. Jensen tilts his head to the side, brows furrowed.
“What do you mean ‘skip it’? We’re just going to get coffee or something,” Jensen says. Jared just blows out a puff of air and stares at him, gaze determined. Jensen starts with realization and rolls his eyes. “Is this about what happened at the party?” Jared bites his lip, gaze lowering slightly. “Seriously? That was a week ago, Jay.”
“I know,” Jared grits out, jealousy and possessiveness rushing through his blood like fire. “I just don’t want you alone with him.” Jensen stares at him for a moment, and then snorts.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Jensen tells him, gathering his cell phone and keys from the nightstand. “Just go to class, and I’ll see you in a little while.”
“No,” Jared says, once Jensen turns towards the door. “You’re not going.” Jensen tenses, shoulders bunching before he slowly spins to face Jared.
“Don’t ever try to tell me what I can and can’t do,” Jensen grits out, green eyes flashing dangerously. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“Chris is in love with you!” Jared shouts, throwing his arms out to the side. “That’s my fucking problem.” Jensen blinks, obviously startled.
“What the hell?” Jensen shouts, looking at Jared in disbelief. “You’re fucking paranoid. He’s just a friend.”
“A friend whose dick you sucked for over a year!” Jared counters, swallowing hard when Jensen’s eyes narrow dangerously.
“You better watch your fucking mouth,” Jensen says, voice deep and angry. “And stop being an asshole.”
“Do you miss it or something?” Jared says, chest heaving with each quick, angry breath he takes. He’s fuming, hands curled into fists.
“What?” Jensen replies, lips curled back into a sneer. His cheeks are flushed red and he’s breathing just as hard as Jared. “What the fuck, Jared?”
“Just wondering,” Jared grits out, and he can already tell that this fight won’t be like the last. There won’t be a quick apology. This time he wants to hurt, and he doesn’t even know why. “I’m telling you that Chris wants you, which he basically fucking told me, so it ain’t me being paranoid, and all you can do is defend him. There must be something there. I mean, you fucked around with him for so long. You still want him, too?”
“No!” Jensen shouts. “You’re my boyfriend. Although at the moment I’m not exactly sure why. You’re acting like a dick and I didn’t even do anything!”
Jensen bites his lip, eyes going wide and glassy. It’s the first time he’s looked hurt since this whole thing started, and the angry red haze marring Jared’s vision clears a little. Jensen is breathing hard, skin bone white where it’s stretched over his knuckles.
“You wanna know why I did all that shit with Chris?” Jensen asks, and no, he really doesn’t. Jared opens his mouth to speak but Jensen cuts him off when he swallows thickly and continues. “I was sixteen and I had just realized I was gay. Do you think it was easy for me to just go out and meet people? I barely had enough nerve to tell you, let alone my family and my friends. I wasn’t about to just go out and pick up random guys.”
“Jensen.” Jared notices the way he emphasized you, like Jared is not only family, not just a friend. Like he’s something more than both.
“I wanted to know what it felt like to be kissed just like you did, like every fucking teenager does. So when Chris kissed me, I let him. Because he was safe.” Jensen’s voice cracks a little, but he doesn’t look away from Jared. “And then I – fuck – I started having feelings for you. My straight best friend. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?”
There are tears in Jensen’s eyes now, and that’s when Jared realizes he has just made a huge fucking mistake. He’s still angry, but he’s not quite sure who it’s directed at anymore.
“It’s like you were trying to set a fucking record, kiss every girl that would stand still long enough and then come tell me about it and I was just supposed to smile and nod, right? I was jealous and sad and angry, and I kept going back to Chris to feel something different.”
Jared opens his mouth again, his heart thundering against his ribcage. He doesn’t know what to say but he doesn’t want to hear anymore.
“But I never let him fuck me,” Jensen says brokenly, tears rolling down his cheeks. “He asked, but I never let him. You know why? I wasn’t fucking in love with him! I loved you! You’re all I wanted, all I fucking thought about, and it fucking sucked. Chris was a weak substitution for something I never thought I would get, okay?”
“Still doesn’t change how he feels about you,” Jared says, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Jensen just laughs humorlessly, wiping his palm across his wet eyes.
“How does what he feels have anything to do with us?” Jensen asks, biting his lip when it starts to tremble. Jared blinks a few times and shrugs helplessly.
“It just does.”
“You know what, Jared?” Jensen says, shaking out his shoulders. “Fuck you. Fuck you for acting like this. Fuck you for doubting how I feel about you for one goddamned second, you asshole.”
And suddenly, any remorse Jared was feeling vanishes. He’s practically vibrating with anger. He’s the one doubting things?
“No, fuck you!” Jared yells, taking a step forward and getting closer to Jensen. He brings one finger up to point, nearly jamming it into Jensen’s chest. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite. I can’t even so much as look at a girl without you thinking I’m getting ready to leave you. You doubt me every single fucking day. I’m the one that has to deal with your insecure bullshit all the time, and when I bring up a legitimate fucking concern you jump down my throat?”
“I’m not the one flirting with everything that fucking moves!” Jensen says, pushing Jared back by his shoulders. Jared stumbles and resists the urge to take a swing at him.
“It’s not flirting, it’s called being friendly! Something you wouldn’t know anything about because you’re the most fucking unfriendly bastard on the planet!” Jared rages, tension simmering under his skin. “We can never fucking go anywhere, or do anything, because you hate everyone for no goddamn reason. And god forbid I ever actually talk to anyone that hasn’t gotten your fucking stamp of approval.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up, Jared,” Jensen says, and Jared curls his hands into fists. He’s seconds away from punching Jensen in the face and he’s never felt like that before. “If I’m such a horrible fucking person to be with then why are you still here? Why aren’t you off fucking some girl if that would make your life so fucking simple?”
“I don’t know!” Jared screams, throwing his arms out to the side and knocking his desk chair over, sending it crashing to the floor with a loud clatter. “Maybe I fucking should be!”
Jensen flinches visibly, recoiling like Jared actually did hit him. There are tears streaming down his face and he blinks rapidly, breath hitching like he’s trying not to sob. Jared takes a deep breath, forcing the air out through his nose. The sudden, lingering silence is nearly deafening.
Their door flies open, nearly hitting Jensen in the process. Misha storms in, and his expression is equal parts annoyed and concerned.
“What the fuck is going on?” Misha demands, stepping between them and pushing them apart. Jared hadn’t even realized how close they’d been, nearly seconds from tackling each other. “I could hear you guys in the goddamn lounge! What’s all the screaming about?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jensen says, voice cracked and rough. He runs his fingers through his hair and sniffs, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his jacket. “I was just leaving.”
“Jensen,” Jared tries, but Jensen is already moving. He’s out the door before Jared can register what’s happening. The slam of the door makes him jump, and he’s surprised to feel two hot tears leak from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. “Fuck!”
He kicks the overturned chair and sweeps random objects off of the desk. Books, pens, and various papers fall to the floor as Jared paces. He’s so angry he doesn’t know how he can contain it. He feels like he’s going to burst at the seams.
He doesn’t realize he’s actually sobbing until Misha pushes him down onto the bed by his shoulders and he can feel the sobs tearing from his lungs, loud noises that he’s never heard himself make before. Misha looks stricken, and Jared just buries his face in his hands, tears rapidly slicking his palms.
He has no idea how things went so wrong so fast.
Jensen isn’t quite sure what the fuck just happened.
All he knows is that his chest hurts from trying to hold back his tears. He knows that they are leaking steadily from his eyes, but he wants to fucking sob. He hurries down the hallway and wipes his eyes as he makes his way down the stairs. He doesn’t even watch where he’s going, nearly tripping when he bumps into someone.
“Whoa, Jenny boy! Where’s the fire?” James reaches out to grab Jensen’s shoulders and he struggles, trying not to let James see his face. “Holy shit, Jensen. What happened?”
“Let me go,” Jensen begs, and he sounds nearly hysterical. James cups his cheek, thumb surprisingly gentle under his eye. Jensen sucks in a deep breath, finally looking up at him. James gasps and glances down the hallway for a moment before looking back at him, eyes full of too much understanding and sympathy.
“Fuck, Jensen,” he says, and a sob finally breaks free. The noise echoes throughout the stairwell and Jensen rips himself out of James’s grasp, hurrying out of the dorm and into the bright sunshine.
He blinks against the bright light, ignoring the startled looks he gets from passersby as he heads for the parking lot. He realizes after a quick check of his pockets that he left his keys up in the room. He stands in the parking lot for a moment, feeling lost as he tries to get his crying in check. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, knowing he doesn’t want to make the walk across campus like this. His hand is shaking so bad he can barely hold down the speed dial button.
“Hey Jen!” At the sound of her voice, Jensen lets out another sob. “Oh my god. Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Can you come get me?” Jensen pleads, voice hitching between words. He feels so fucking pathetic. “I’m in front of the dorm, and I don’t have my keys, and – and I can’t go back up there, Sandy, please.”
“I’m already on my way to my car,” Sandy says, and thankfully she doesn’t ask anymore questions. Jensen knows that won’t last for long, but he’ll take what he can get. “I’ll be there in two minutes, baby. Just take deep breaths.”
Jensen does, listening to her move on the other end of the line. He can hear the slam of a car door and the sudden burst of loud music before it shuts off. He focuses on the sound of her breathing, the roar of the car engine, instead of staring at the entrance to the dorm.
She’s there within minutes, and as soon as he spots her car he ends the call. He stares at his phone for a moment before turning it off and slipping it in his pocket. Sandy goes to get out of the car and he shakes his head, instead climbing into the passenger seat. He doesn’t want to make anymore of a scene.
“Oh, Jensen,” she says, leaning over to put her hand on his cheek. A sob escapes his lips and he reaches up to put his hand over hers. “You fought?”
He just nods, turning in towards her. She wraps her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. Her arms are so small, so fragile. It feels so different than the embrace he is so used to.
“Do you mind if we skip the party?” He sniffs miserably, tears leaking from his eyes as he buries his face in her hair. She swats at his back, pulling back to kiss his forehead.
“I’m all yours tonight,” she says, cradling the back of his head. “My roommate went home for the weekend.”
Jensen just nods and pulls back to sit properly and fasten his seatbelt. Sandy starts the car and makes the short drive back to her dorm in silence. They walk to her room hand in hand, the tips of her acrylic nails digging into his skin. A sort of numbness has washed over him for the moment, and he clings to it desperately.
Once they’re in Sandy’s room, she shuts the door and locks it. She turns off her phone and tosses it on the desk before going to sit on the bed, patting the spot next to her. Jensen sits down and stares despondently at the wall. Sandy’s tiny hand comes up to rest between his shoulder blades.
“What happened?” She asks softly, tone conveying that she won’t be offended if Jensen doesn’t answer. He considers ignoring her, but the words spill out before he can stop them.
“I don’t even know,” he starts, quick and breathless. “I said I was going out with Chris and he fucking lost it. Said Chris wanted me and accused me of having feelings for him, which is fucking insane. I never had feelings for Chris even when we were fooling around. I told him he was being an asshole and we just started screaming at each other like we never have before. I asked him why he was even with me and he said – he said he didn’t even know.”
“He didn’t mean that,” Sandy says instantly, rubbing his back in soothing circles. Jensen’s vision blurs with a fresh set of tears and he takes in a shuddering breath.
“I don’t even know if we’re still together,” Jensen sobs, and Sandy pulls him into a hug. They end up lying on her tiny bed, his head pillowed on her chest as she rubs his back and presses kisses to the top of his head. “Everything was fine and then – and then it just wasn’t.”
He lets himself break then, clutching onto Sandy and sobbing into her soft pink tee shirt. He cries until he feels sick, until his pulse throbs behind his eyes in time with his rapid heartbeat. Sandy just holds him through it, doesn’t make him feel pathetic or weak.
“It’ll be alright,” she promises, reaching up to cup his cheek. “Both of you just need to take a few hours and then you can go talk to him, okay?”
He nods against her collarbone, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. They’re swollen and sore, and he squeezes them shut.
He feels so stupid, crying like this over one fight. But Jared means so much to him that the tiniest little fissure in the foundation of their relationship feels like a bullet to the heart. No one else on the planet could get this sort of reaction out of Jensen, no one but Jared.
He eventually exhausts himself, falling to sleep wrapped around Sandy’s tiny frame.
Jared is getting really fucking sick of James and Misha eyeing him like a ticking time bomb. He’s finally stopped crying and they both stopped trying to get him to talk. Now he’s just lying on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He’s well missed his class, and the sun is starting to set.
There are already sounds of the party starting up, people getting a head start on the night’s festivities.
“I’m, uh, on duty tonight,” Misha says awkwardly, glancing over at James who bites his lip and shrugs helplessly.
“Go,” Jared says, voice scratchy and rough. Misha looks relieved and disappears out the door. James shifts his weight, standing in the middle of the room. “You too.”
“But Jared – “
“Please,” Jared says, swallowing hard and not looking at him. James sighs, running his hand through his shaggy hair.
“Just – don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Jared snorts and James heads for the door. “I’ll be around if you need me.”
Jared lies there long after they leave, just focusing on breathing in and out until the sun dips completely below the horizon and leaves the room dark. The ache in his chest is overwhelming, and he rolls out of bed and flicks on the bedside lamp.
He bites his lip and grabs his phone to call Jensen, not really surprised when it goes straight to voicemail. At the sound of Jensen’s chipper, recorded voice, his breath hitches again.
You’ve reached Jensen. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. If it’s really important, try Jared’s celI.
God, he fucked up. He ends the call and paces, chewing on the end of his thumbnail. He finally stops and opens his phone again, dialing another familiar number. He squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath as he listens to it ring, suddenly afraid.
“Hey,” Chris answers, and Jared nearly loses his nerve and hangs up.
“Uh, hey,” he starts, wincing when he realizes his voice is still shot to shit. “Is Jensen with you?”
“Sure ain’t. We were supposed to meet up earlier but when I didn’t hear from him I figured he found better shit to do,” Chris replies, and Jared lets out a sigh of relief. “Why are you askin’ me, anyway? Thought you two never strayed too far from the other.”
“I’ll find him,” Jared grits out, scowling. He mumbles out a goodbye and closes the phone. Chad and Sophia were skipping the party to go have some sort of date night, so that pretty much leaves Sandy and Josh. And if Jensen hasn’t alerted Josh to the fact that they had a fight, then Jared sure as hell isn’t going to.
Sandy’s phone also goes straight to voicemail, so Jared assumes that’s where Jensen is. He sighs and runs his hand through his hair again, listening to the ever-growing sounds of a party in full swing just outside his door.
Sitting alone in the room is making him antsy so he heads out, edging around people as he makes his way towards the lounge. There is a card table laden with various bottles of booze, and Jared heads straight for it without a second thought. The loud music and mindless chatter of his fellow students is almost enough to distract him from his thoughts and he bypasses beer entirely, instead filling up a token red cup with rum and adding a splash of cola.
A few hours pass in which Jared gets completely fucking hammered and awkwardly ends conversation with anyone who asks him where Jensen is, which is pretty much everyone. He’s miserable, the ache in his chest making it hard for him to even breathe. James and Misha check in on him occasionally, but they’re too busy making sure the party doesn’t get out of hand to pay him much attention.
He’s sitting on one of the couches in the lounge, absently circling the rim of his cup with an unsteady finger and staring at the rain coating the window when someone lands hard on the couch next to him. His drink goes flying, and he looks over to see Jessica gasping as the ice-cold liquid soaks through her thin top.
“Shit, ‘m sorry,” Jared slurs, looking around as if a napkin or a towel will suddenly appear. She just laughs and stands up. Her legs are bare, hips barely covered by a tiny denim skirt, and Jared averts his eyes.
“It’s okay,” she replies, reaching out to steady herself on Jared’s shoulder. She looks at him and bites her bottom lip. “It’s just that, um, I’m sort of locked out of my room. Katie is – well, it’s occupied. So could I maybe borrow a shirt or something?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jared replies, getting up on shaky legs. “I am probably just gonna go crash anyway. Sorta had a rough day.”
“Aw, Jared,” she coos, walking with him towards their room. He misses the way she smirks slightly, eyes glinting. He also just barely misses Katie leaning against the wall and talking with a group of people, obviously not locked up in her room. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No,” he says, laughing bitterly. He fumbles drunkenly with his key for a moment before getting the door open, absently locking it behind him. The room is dark, dimly lit by only the desk lamp. The air mattress is propped up against the wall and he avoids looking at it as he makes his way to his closet. He tosses Jessica an old baggy shirt of his, and she smiles as she unabashedly pulls her shirt over her head. Jared clears his throat and turns his head to the side, stumbling a little as he makes his way over to his bed to sit down.
She comes to stand in front of him, and Jared looks up at her. She’s swimming in the shirt, the hem hanging lower than that of her skirt.
He loves it when Jensen wears his clothes, loves the way they aren’t too big on him. His eyes fill up with tears and he blinks rapidly.
“I could make you feel better,” Jessica says, reaching up to cup his cheek as she moves closer to him. Jared grabs her wrist and gently pushes her back, but his head is swimming and he feels about two seconds from passing out.
“No you couldn’t,” Jared slurs miserably. He falls over sideways, barely managing to pull his feet up onto his bed. “I’ma sleep.”
He doesn’t know whether she leaves or not before his eyes slip shut.
When Jensen wakes up, he feels like shit, both physically and emotionally. His eyes are swollen and burning, his head is throbbing and he has a sour taste in his mouth. Sandy turns away from her desk and presses a cold, wet cloth over his eyes. He sighs gratefully.
“Feeling better?” She asks uneasily, like she knows it’s a stupid question but she doesn’t know what else to say. Jensen doesn’t answer, just focuses on the cool pressure on his eyes and her fingers in his hair.
“What do I do?” Jensen asks desperately, glad she can’t see his eyes. “I – I don’t want to lose him.”
“Oh, honey,” Sandy says, her fingers trailing across his cheek. “You got into a fight, just like every other couple in the world. The next step is making up.”
“But,” Jensen starts, and Sandy shushes him. She makes everything sound so simple, but Jensen is at a complete loss. He and Jared are great at living harmoniously, and absolutely terrible at fighting.
“No buts,” she replies, pressing the cloth down more firmly against his eyes for a moment before pulling it away. He blinks rapidly against the sudden light, but both his eyes and his head feel marginally better. “You guys love each other so much. That isn’t going to end because of one fight.”
Jensen nods, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up. Sandy is smiling softly at him, and he pats her thigh and gives her a grateful smile.
“I should go home,” Jensen says, biting his lip. “Talk to him.”
“I’ll drive you,” Sandy says, getting up off of the bed and grabbing her coat. “It’s late and it’s really coming down out there.” Jensen furrows his brow and looks over at the clock, eyes widening when he sees that it is after one in the morning. He just nods and gets up, stretching his arms over his head.
He’s nervous as he walks through the quiet halls with Sandy. He’s still angry, still hurt, but his desire to be with Jared outweighs that. He needs to see him, touch him, and make sure they’re going to be okay.
“Thanks,” Jensen says when she pulls up in front of the dorm. He takes off his seatbelt and turns towards her. “For everything.”
“You’re welcome,” she says, pulling him into a hug. “Do you want me to come up?”
“No, it’s okay,” Jensen replies, pulling away and taking a deep breath, psyching himself up. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
She nods and wishes him luck as he gets out of the car, jogging to hurry out of the rain. The walk up to his floor seems to take hours, and he feels exhausted even though he just slept for nearly seven hours. The party is still going, low music ghosting down the halls. Most everyone seems to have retreated into rooms or the lounge, because there aren’t many people left in the hall.
He walks up to their door and closes his eyes for a moment, hands curling into fists before he lets out a deep breath and grips the handle. The door is locked, and he pats his pockets before remembering that he left his keys inside. He rolls his eyes, feeling like an idiot as he brings his hand up to knock.
“Hey, I –“ He cuts himself off when Jessica appears at the door. He blinks and shakes his head in confusion. She is probably the very last person he wants to see right now, yet here she is, answering the door to his room at two in the morning. He even takes a step back and looks at the room number, just in case.
“Oh, Jensen. Hey,” she says, biting her lip. That’s when Jensen notices she is wearing one of Jared’s tee shirts, and what appears to be nothing else. Dread forms in the pit of his stomach and he rolls his lips into his mouth. “Jared is, uh, sleeping.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just pushes roughly past her and into the room. The lights are off and Jared is passed out on his stomach, covers up to his neck. Jensen surveys the room quickly. The desk is empty, all the contents scattered on the floor and Jessica’s shirt is in a pile next to her shoes.
Jensen feels sick, consumed with pain, and anger, and the overwhelming feeling that everything he lived for just ceased to be. He leans over to search for his keys in the mess of papers and books on the floor. His hands are shaking so badly that when he finally finds them and picks them up the key chains clink together.
Jared wakes up then, letting out a snuffling noise as he rolls out of bed. Jensen whirls on him, and he wants to throw up at the sight of him. He looks sleepy and gorgeous, and up until five minutes ago Jensen wouldn’t have thought him so thoroughly capable of breaking his heart.
“Jensen!” Jared says, and surges forward to grab his arms. At that touch, the same one that he was craving so badly just moments ago, he loses it.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” He shouts, pushing Jared back with all his might. Jared trips over his shoes and lands awkwardly on the bed, looking up at Jensen in confusion. Jensen blinks against the swell of tears in his eyes, swallowing against the lump of anger in his throat. He holds his trembling hands in front of him, shaking his head. “We’re done.”
He turns to see Jessica still standing there, and the look he gives her is one of pure hatred. “Get the fuck out of my way,” he snarls, and she steps aside as he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
He hurries down the stairs and out of the dorm, much like earlier. But this time, he doesn’t call Sandy. He gets into his car and knows there is only one place he can go, one person that can hold him together when he’s so close to falling apart.
He turns the key in the ignition and his tires squeal as he flies out of the parking lot.
He needs his brother.
Jared stares at the closed door for almost a full minute, blinking rapidly. He’s still stupidly drunk, and his wrist hurts from where he landed on it after Jensen pushed him.
He looks from the door to see Jessica, hair rumpled and lipstick smeared, wearing his tee shirt that hangs lower than her skirt, so it looks like she’s wearing nothing else at all. The desk is cleared off and the pillows from his bed are lying on the floor.
He feels sick when he finally gets it. Jensen thinks he slept with her. He looks up at her, eyes blazing. At that moment, rage feels marginally better than the pain threatening to overwhelm him.
“What the fuck are you still doing in here?” Jared asks angrily, getting up and stuffing his feet into his shoes. “Why did you let Jensen think we did anything?”
“I – I don’t know!” She stammers, eyes widening as he approaches her. “I like you so much, Jared, and –“
“You like me? And what, you thought if you got rid of my boyfriend, the person I need like the fucking air I breathe, that I would just fall into your waiting arms?” Jessica’s mouth opens and closes and she backs up against the wall. Tears sting Jared’s eyes and he doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt. “You – you just cost me everything.”
“I’m sorry,” she tries, eyes welling up with tears. Jared just grabs her by the elbow and leads her out of the room. He barely spares the time to shut the door before he’s running downstairs. He bursts out of the dorm and runs out into the pouring rain. It soaks him to the skin and he lets out a violent shiver, dressed only in jeans and a tee shirt.
A quick scan of the parking lot tells him that Jensen’s car is gone, and he is way too drunk to even consider driving himself anywhere. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials a number, uncaring of the rain.
“Jared?” Sandy asks, obviously confused, and Jared can barely hear her over the pounding rain. “What’s going on?”
“Is Jensen with you?” Jared asks desperately, even though it’s clear by her tone that he isn’t. She’d be screaming at him if she knew what Jensen thought.
“No. I just dropped him off like ten minutes ago. He was going to try and make up with you,” she replies, and Jared squeezes his eyes shut. Hot tears mix with freezing rain, and he shuts the phone and puts it back in his pocket. There is only one other place he can think of, and he takes off into a brisk run.
Onto Part 5.
Jared and Jensen spend a lazy Sunday afternoon holed up in their room getting hot and sweaty despite the crisp air outside. By the time they’re finished Jared is wincing at the ache in his ass, courtesy of Jensen’s revenge for the pounding Jared gave him on Halloween.
They’re roused by an insistent knocking on their door and they share a quizzical look, each pulling on a pair of sweats before Jared gets up to answer it. Misha slides in as soon as Jared opens it, slamming the door shut and leaning back against it.
“What’s up, Mish-Mash?” Jensen coos, and Misha shoots him a deadly glare.
“Call me that again and Jared will mourn the loss of your dick,” he seethes. Jensen shudders theatrically and sits on the edge of one of the beds as Jared flips the air mattress up against the wall to make room.
“Ooh, scary,” Jensen says sarcastically, and Misha narrows his ice blue eyes. “We all know you love it when James calls you that.”
“Seriously,” Misha says, pointing a stern finger at him. “Dick, balls. All of it, gone.”
“You try to act all tough, but truth is, you adore us,” Jensen singsongs, hands interlocking under his chin as he flutters his eyelashes. Misha shoots Jared a glare and Jared bites his lip to keep from cracking up.
“What the fuck is his deal?” Misha asks, waving an angry hand in Jensen’s general direction. Jared runs his fingers through his tangled hair and shrugs helplessly.
“He got to top,” Jared says blandly, and Misha rolls his eyes.
“Of course. All the power went to his head because he’s such a fucking nelly bottom,” Misha replies, spitting the last few words at Jensen, who just hums happily and flips him off.
“Basically,” Jared retorts. “Gotta let him think he’s tough and manly every once in awhile.”
“Y’all can try and destroy my amicable mood,” Jensen says, stretching and grabbing his phone off of the floor. “But you’ll fail. I’m a happy boy today.”
“Your ass must be magical,” Misha says to Jared, who merely shrugs. It does seem to possess certain happy-making qualities when it comes to his boyfriend.
“Is there a reason you’re hiding in our room?” Jared asks, and Misha rolls his eyes as he drops into a desk chair.
“We’re his favorite,” Jensen repeats as he tosses his phone aside and lies back on the bed. Jared drops on top of him and Jensen lets out an oomph, wrapping his arms around Jared’s neck and laughing.
“He’s sort of right,” Misha replies, rubbing the back of his neck. He’s seemingly unperturbed by their excessive and over exuberant public displays of affection. But all their friends sort of have to be if they ever want to occupy the same room as the two of them at the same time. “If by favorite he means least annoying. Usually.”
“You say potato, I say – "
“Shut up, Jensen. Damn.”
“Anyway,” Misha starts. “Fucking 208 keeps coming to me because her boyfriend dumped her. Which, okay, sucks for her and everything. But they went out for two weeks. Two weeks! And now because I’m her RA I’m expected to get fat off of Haagen-Dazs and watch Hope Floats with her? No. Fuck that. I don’t have the patience for that shit.”
James walks in their room unannounced, slipping his phone in his pocket. Jared rolls his eyes. Jensen obviously alerted James of their visitor.
“You don’t have the patience for most things, Mish-Mash,” James says, and Jensen lets out a snort of laughter. “And I prefer Ben and Jerry’s.”
“So I’m hiding out in here,” Misha says, completely ignoring James. “Most people don’t come in here because they’re too afraid they’re either going to a, walk in on gay sex, or b, Jensen will rip their fucking head off. Usually,” he adds, narrowing his eyes at Jensen’s lazy grin like he’s annoyed that he’s lost his comrade in bitchiness.
“I for one barge in here hoping to walk in on gay sex,” James says, and unceremoniously drops down onto Misha’s lap. He wraps his arms around the agitated RA’s neck and Misha spits and hisses, trying but failing to push him off. “Don’t fight it, Mish-Mash! Embrace your feelings!”
“I hate you,” Misha says, letting his forehead drop forward onto James’s shoulder. “So much hate.”
“That’s a lie,” Jensen shouts, nudging Jared’s shoulder happily and gesturing towards them. Jared smiles fondly. Jensen has secretly been rooting for the mismatched couple since day one. He thinks they’d be perfect for each other and Jared is inclined to agree, but he is so not down with playing Cupid to a bunch of clueless upperclassmen.
The four of them eventually settle into comfortable positions, hiding from the world and watching TV late into the night. Jared is relaxed and amused, due to Jensen dozing lazily with his head on his lap and Misha slapping James’s arm every single time he tries to put it around his shoulders but never pulling away.
Jared thinks maybe he should pull Misha aside, teach him a thing or two about not realizing what you’ve got right in front of your face. Jared is well versed in that particular subject.
You’ve got to open your eyes, realize that you already have what you’ve wanted all along, and then take it.
And then it’s yours to keep forever, if you can manage to hold onto it for that long.
Jared is just leaving work when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He grabs it and doesn’t glance at the display, assuming that it’s Jensen.
“Hey,” he answers, taking a giant bite of a cranberry orange muffin.
“Uh, hey.” Jared swallows painfully. It’s Chris, who he hasn’t spoken to since he kissed Jensen three days ago. Well, this should be pleasant. Or, you know, not.
“What’s up, Chris?” Jared asks politely. He’s sort of the forgiving type, and he is pretty much over what happened. Kind of. Not that he’s ready to make friendship bracelets with the dude who wants to bang his boyfriend, but still.
“This is fucking awkward,” Chris starts, “but, uh, I wanted to call and say sorry, you know? For the other night.”
“Okay, thanks,” Jared replies as he climbs into his truck and shuts the door. “I’m not gonna say it wasn’t fucked up, but I think I can be convinced to let you live.”
“Good, ‘cause you know I’d never do anything, right?” There’s a pause. “On purpose, that is. You kids are it, ya know? I’d be damn foolish to try to get in the way of that. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t.”
Jared furrows his brow. This seems like quite a speech to apologize for drunkenly kissing Jensen. Jared is about to say something, but Chris continues.
“This is my shit, dude. And I’ll deal with it,” Chris says decisively, letting out a harsh sigh and completely rocking Jared’s world in a not very good way.
It hits Jared then, like a kick to the gut. Chris isn’t just dealing with residual lust from their extended fling, he’s fucking in love with Jensen.
The coffee he drank during his shift rolls unpleasantly in his belly and he stares blankly out of the windshield until Chris calls his name.
“Uh, good to hear, Chris,” he mumbles. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Listen, I’m driving so I need to go. Thanks for calling.”
He hangs up before Chris can respond, dropping his phone onto the seat. He buries his fingers in his hair and tips his head back. He isn’t exactly sure what the proper protocol is when you find out that your boyfriend’s ex-something or other is in love with him. Jensen and Chris have a history. Not nearly as long and extensive as their own, but it’s still there.
His phone goes off, distracting him from his thoughts. It’s a new text from Jensen. You off work yet? I’m in Chad’s room. Come here instead of ours. Hurry, before the coffee smell wears off! <3
It makes Jared smile, and he tries to push this new information to the back of his mind. It doesn’t really matter, anyway.
not in public u freak. be right there. He sends the text and takes a deep breath before starting his truck.
It doesn’t matter. It means nothing.
Jared normally doesn’t try to over think things, which is evident by the fact that he fucked Jensen within hours of the other boy confessing his feelings for him, when the normal response might have been to freak out, to thinks things over a little. Not that he regrets his decision, but still. He didn’t really think that hard about it. It just sort of happened.
But this thing with Chris? That he thinks about. He thinks about it as he parks in his normal spot and walks to the dorm, thinks about it when he enters the dorm and climbs the stairs. He hears the sounds of delighted laughter but they don’t even really register, he’s thinking so hard. But then he lets himself into Chad’s room, one floor below his own, and promptly stops thinking.
Chad is alone in the room, sitting on his bed with a hardcover copy of Twilight open on his lap. He barely glances up when Jared enters the room and he raises a curious eyebrow. Chad is reading Twilight of what appears to be his own free will, and Jared doesn’t really know what to do with that.
“Bit of light reading?” Jared chuckles, and Chad glares up at him.
“Sophia is making me read it,” Chad grumbles, licking a fingertip and flipping the page. “The movie is coming out in a few weeks, and I apparently have to be prepared.” He adds finger quotes around the last bit, but doesn’t stop reading.
“Okay, but is she forcing you to enjoy it?” Jared laughs, stretching until his back pops. “You look pretty enthralled, dude.”
“Fuck you,” Chad shoots back. “Like Jensen never makes you do shit you don’t wanna do. I bet he can withhold sex with the best of them. Think they fucking take classes, man.”
“Luckily for me, I’m not dating a girl,” Jared replies with a gleeful smirk. Famous last words, apparently.
Jensen and Sophia burst into the room then, a red feather boa tangled around both of their necks. Sophia giggles, and Jared recognizes it as the laughter that was bouncing around the halls. They set down a small mountain of soda and candy onto the desk and Jensen bounces over to Jared, throwing his arms around him. Sophia squeaks as she is jerked forward by the boa and Jared coughs as he inhales feathers and perfume.
“Mmm, Arabica beans,” Jensen moans, inhaling deeply. Jared knits his brows together and awkwardly hugs them both.
“As you were saying?” Chad says smugly. Jared blinks. While it’s true that Jensen is astonishingly gay, Jared didn’t really think he was feather boa gay. Actually, he’s never thought of anyone as feather boa gay before. “Also,” Chad continues, “our girlfriends were hella rocking out to Britney Spears earlier.”
Until now. Jensen is officially feather boa gay.
“Was not!” Jensen shrieks, pulling away from Jared to whirl on Chad. Sophia wraps her arm around Jensen’s waist, because she’s sort of stuck to him and he won’t stop moving. “I was farting and ya know, burping!” He situates himself behind Sophia and reaches up to grab at her chest. “Feelin’ up chicks!”
“Whoa, hey!” Chad calls out, dropping his book. “Get your hands off of her tits!”
“Calm down,” Sophia giggles, reaching up to put her hands over Jensen’s. Jared just sort of stares. And tries not to get turned on. Seeing Jensen feel up a girl is strangely hot, but also just unnatural. “He sees them all the time. Like, when we go shopping.”
“That’s right,” Jensen says, pressing his large hands against Sophia’s boobs. Jared shifts his hips and Chad looks enraged. “I’m gay. I could motorboat these bad boys and there’s nothing you could do about it.”
Chad glares, eyes narrowing into slits. Jared just laughs. Sophia twirls around in Jensen’s arms, looping her arms around his neck.
“And we were so jamming to Britney. Don’t lie.” She starts up with a chorus of la la la’s and Jensen scrunches his face up, like he’s trying not to get into it. But when Sophia leans over to flip on the stereo, filling the room with loud pop music, he loses it. Jared watches in horror as his gorgeous boyfriend, who can play the guitar and sings him sweet lullabies, starts butchering an already awful Britney Spears song. There is only one possible explanation.
“Where’d you guys get the weed?” Jared asks, spinning on his heels to face Chad. Jared waves his arm towards Jensen and Sophia, barely listening to them babble.
“Huh?” Chad asks, looking up from the book like he’s annoyed that Jared interrupted him.
“You’re all high,” Jared replies. “That’s the only time Jensen lets his soul crushing love of Britney be known. Remember the time at that club in San Francisco when they played Radar and I had to stop him from getting up on the bar to dance with all the other feather boa fags?”
“I was probably too busy trying to hide from the leather daddy with the sling, assfuck,” Chad says, glaring. He still doesn’t like to talk about that night. “And James gave us brownies,” he says, gesturing to the pan on the nightstand. Well, that isn’t surprising.
“And the feather boa?” Jared asks.
“Also James,” he replies. Sadly, that also isn’t surprising. He turns to watch Jensen and Sophia grind against each other, tilts his head to the side to admire them. They start singing the chorus, loud and breathy into each other’s faces.
“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. But all of the girls and all of the boys are begging to if you seek Amy!”
“Okay, we get it!” Chad yells, closing his book and holding his place with his index finger. “You’re both super pretty and everyone wants to bang you!”
”What?” Jared asks as Jensen and Sophia giggle and dance. “That song doesn’t even make any sense.”
“Say it slow,” Chad says. “If you seek Amy. F-U-C-K me. She’s saying fuck me. Now will you all shut the fuck up? Edward is showing her his sparkle!”
Chad blinks then, eyes widening. He looks down at the book in his lap, and then over at his girlfriend who is currently happily grinding against a homo. And he totally just explained a Britney Spears song.
“Oh my god,” Chad cries, throwing the book to the side. “Fuck my life!”
“Three cocks and I’m the only man in this room,” Jared chuckles, reaching over to take a special brownie. Jensen untangles himself from Sophia and the boa, running over to jump up into Jared’s arms. Jared has to stuff the entire brownie in his mouth to catch him in time and still stumbles a little, nearly dropping him.
“You’re such a man,” Jensen says, looking up at him with wide, glassy eyes. “You took it like a man last night. Didn’t you, baby? Took it all so good and begged for more.” Jared is unable to protest, mouth full of special brownie and arms full of stoned Jensen. But he did. He took it hard, and he loved it.
“Haha, fag!” Chad laughs, gasping when Sophia throws herself on top of him. Jensen slithers down to stand unsteadily on his own feet as Jared tries to swallow the massive brownie.
“I have to like Britney. It’s like, a prerequisite of being gay,” Jensen explains, molding himself against Jared’s side. “They’ll kick me out of the club if I don’t.”
“Four syllables means not enough brownie!” Chad calls out, gesturing towards the pan and laughing as Sophia giggles against his mouth. Jensen nods gravely and moves towards the pan. Jared smacks his hand away and takes another one for himself.
“Save some for me, stoner,” Jared says. Jensen just watches as Jared eats the brownie, eyes flicking back and forth between Jared’s lips and his eyes. As soon as he’s done eating, Jensen lunges for him. He stumbles back, catching himself against the wall and gripping Jensen’s hips. Jensen eats at his mouth, sliding his tongue inside and sucking at his lips, licking away every last trace of chocolate. Jared moans low in his throat, fingers tangling in Jensen’s hair as they make out.
It doesn’t take long for the pot to kick in. Jared doesn’t get stoned very often, and it just makes it that much better when he does. He’s completely relaxed – no stressing about classes, no being homesick, and no thinking about Chris’s revelation. Just him and Jensen, warm and pliant in each other’s arms.
They slide to the floor, Jared sitting back against Chad’s bed, his head inches from Sophia’s foot. Perhaps if they were all a little more sober, they’d find it weird that they were making out just a few feet from each other with Britney blasting on the stereo and bright red feathers littering the floor.
Chad’s roommate comes in a few minutes later, stammering and blushing when he spots them. Gabe is a good guy, just insanely bookish and reserved. He’s not really interested in coming out of his shell, and they aren’t interested in making him. Gabe clears his throat, breaking up the two couples.
“Gabe!” Chad calls out, extracting his hands from Sophia’s shirt. “What’s up, man?”
“Uh, nothing,” Gabe replies, eyeing Jared and Jensen tangled together on his floor with trepidation, like the two couples were mere moments from merging to create an orgy right there in his dorm room. “I could, uh – go somewhere else?”
“That’s okay,” Sophia says, rolling off of the bed. She’s wearing a tiny pair of shorts that show off her shapely legs and a tank top that Chad stretched out during their make out session, revealing ample cleavage. Gabe just stares at her, turning an intense shade of red. Jensen gets up on his knees, wrapping his arm around Sophia’s leg and leaning in to kiss her thigh, right at the hem of her shorts.
“Yeah, we can fuck anywhere, right?” Jensen asks, winking at Gabe who coughs and chokes on his own spit. Jared rolls his eyes and tugs Jensen to his feet. Chad just comes up and slings one arm over Jared’s shoulders, wrapping the other around Sophia’s waist.
“That’s true,” Chad says, leading them out of the room. Sophia brushes past Gabe and giggles while Chad reaches out to poke the tip of his nose. “Don’t wait up.”
“Coming, baby?” Jared calls out to Jensen, who grabs the pan of brownies and the boa, wrapping it around his neck. He throws Gabe another wink and hurries out the door to catch up with his friends.
“His face,” Jensen laughs once they reach he and Jared’s floor. “Fucking priceless!”
“That was pretty awesome,” Sophia relents. “Even if he does think I’m being passed around like a bong.”
“When’s my turn?” Jared asks, wiggling his eyebrows and reaching out to snag Sophia by the waist. She giggles and presses back against him.
“Anytime, tiger,” she rasps, and Chad grabs her arm and pulls her back.
“You’re not all the way gay, so you don’t get to touch! The only reason I don’t kick Jensen’s ass is because I don’t wanna get fuckin’ arrested for a hate crime,” Chad shouts, and Jared rolls his eyes as he tangles his fingers with Jensen’s. Jensen loops the boa around his neck as well.
“I’m pretty fuckin’ gay, dude,” Jared says, and Jensen grins at him. They’re nearly to Jared and Jensen’s room when James sticks his head out into the hallway.
“Ah, when I heard shouting about being pretty fucking gay, somehow I knew it would be you,” James says, stepping out into the hall. He grins at them, flicking at the feather boa around Jensen and Jared’s necks. “How you kids doing? Nice and relaxed?”
“You could say that,” Jared says, laughing when James smirks and takes the pan of brownies from Jensen. “I was just about to start a movie, if you guys wanna join me?”
“We were actually going to go have an orgy in Jared and Jensen’s room,” Sophia says, managing to keep a straight face. James just smirks. He’s sort of a walking bullshit detector.
“I’ve got a single. More room,” James says, holding the door open. Misha rounds the corner then, eyebrow rising apprehensively when he spots their group.
“This can’t be good,” he says, walking up to them. “What are you guys up to?”
“Oh, I’m just about to bring all these impressionable young freshman into my room so we can have group sex,” James says innocently. Misha just glares at him. “What? It’s a team building exercise!”
Misha looks at all of their faces and then at the pan of brownies in James’s hand.
“You didn’t,” Misha says flatly, and James grins serenely. “If I get in trouble because you got my freshmen stoned, I will fucking kill you.”
“Want one?” James asks calmly, holding the pan out. Misha glares at him for a few moments longer, and then looks around. He grabs a brownie and stuffs it in his mouth before continuing down the hall. “He is so fucking adorable.”
“If you say so,” Sophia says, pushing past James and into his room. They all follow and Jared drops down on the end of the couch, pulling Jensen into his lap.
James somehow wrangled one of the larger rooms on the floor, and not only that, he gets it all to himself. He has a large, comfortable couch in addition to his bed, and a huge flat panel television on the wall. Chad and Sophia take the other end of the couch and James drops down in the middle, eating a brownie as he starts the movie. He seems to have no problem sitting between two stoned, horny couples.
Jared isn’t even aware of what movie it is, because Jensen untangles the boa from their necks and drops it in James’s lap before leaning in to give Jared a soft kiss. They make out, soft and lazy, throughout the entire thing.
Jensen’s kisses are soft but passionate, tongue sweeping into his mouth. It makes Jared dizzy and he cups Jensen’s hip in his palm, thumb stroking back and forth across his tattoo. Jensen grins against his lips, his hand automatically slipping under Jared’s shirt to press against Jared’s ink as well.
“Mm, love you,” Jensen breathes, leaning in to kiss him again. Jared slides his other hand under the back of Jensen’s shirt, hand pressed against the smooth skin at the small of Jensen’s back.
“Love you too,” Jared whispers. They laugh when everyone loudly shushes them, but they don’t stop kissing.
He only wishes he could have seen the night for what it was – the calm before the storm.
A few days pass and Jared has mostly forgotten Chris’s accidental confession – mostly because he has been too busy to think about it. All of his professors saw it fit to dump massive amounts of homework on him all at once, and he’s been helping out at Ed’s a little more since one of the other employees randomly quit.
There is a floor party tonight that he’s pretty excited about. Most of his homework is done, and it’s Friday, so no class in the morning. He’s been stressed and frazzled pretty much since Halloween, and he feels about at his breaking point. He needs to relax a bit.
So, he sort of forgets about the Chris thing, until he is helpfully reminded.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Jensen says as Jared is bent over his Biology textbook, getting some last minute cramming in before class.
“Okay,” Jared says absently, pursing his lips when Jensen leans over to kiss his temple. Jensen is halfway across the room before Jared blinks, head popping up. “Wait, what? Where are you going?”
“Chris is in town,” Jensen replies, pulling on the black military jacket he looks way too fucking good in. “He had a meeting or something, so I was gonna hang out with him for awhile.”
Jared swallows hard, a strange wave of heat running through him and settling in his stomach. Just like that, he realizes that he hasn’t forgiven Chris. He doesn’t trust Chris. It’s still too easy to conjure up memories of Jensen and Chris kissing, of Jensen leaning in close and telling Jared about the things they would do to each other back before Jared realized he wanted to do them himself. Bottom line, he doesn’t want Chris anywhere near Jensen. At least not alone.
“I’ll come with you,” Jared says quickly, jumping up from the desk. His face is flushed with heat and he hopes Jensen doesn’t notice his reddened cheeks or the way his hands have started to shake slightly. Jensen gives him a confused look as he fusses with the collar of his jacket.
“You have class,” Jensen reminds him, and Jared just shrugs awkwardly.
“I’ll skip it,” he replies, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans. According to the clock, he needs to leave for class within the next fifteen minutes. He hasn’t missed a class since the semester started, but he doubts he’d be able to pay much attention anyway. Jensen tilts his head to the side, brows furrowed.
“What do you mean ‘skip it’? We’re just going to get coffee or something,” Jensen says. Jared just blows out a puff of air and stares at him, gaze determined. Jensen starts with realization and rolls his eyes. “Is this about what happened at the party?” Jared bites his lip, gaze lowering slightly. “Seriously? That was a week ago, Jay.”
“I know,” Jared grits out, jealousy and possessiveness rushing through his blood like fire. “I just don’t want you alone with him.” Jensen stares at him for a moment, and then snorts.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Jensen tells him, gathering his cell phone and keys from the nightstand. “Just go to class, and I’ll see you in a little while.”
“No,” Jared says, once Jensen turns towards the door. “You’re not going.” Jensen tenses, shoulders bunching before he slowly spins to face Jared.
“Don’t ever try to tell me what I can and can’t do,” Jensen grits out, green eyes flashing dangerously. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“Chris is in love with you!” Jared shouts, throwing his arms out to the side. “That’s my fucking problem.” Jensen blinks, obviously startled.
“What the hell?” Jensen shouts, looking at Jared in disbelief. “You’re fucking paranoid. He’s just a friend.”
“A friend whose dick you sucked for over a year!” Jared counters, swallowing hard when Jensen’s eyes narrow dangerously.
“You better watch your fucking mouth,” Jensen says, voice deep and angry. “And stop being an asshole.”
“Do you miss it or something?” Jared says, chest heaving with each quick, angry breath he takes. He’s fuming, hands curled into fists.
“What?” Jensen replies, lips curled back into a sneer. His cheeks are flushed red and he’s breathing just as hard as Jared. “What the fuck, Jared?”
“Just wondering,” Jared grits out, and he can already tell that this fight won’t be like the last. There won’t be a quick apology. This time he wants to hurt, and he doesn’t even know why. “I’m telling you that Chris wants you, which he basically fucking told me, so it ain’t me being paranoid, and all you can do is defend him. There must be something there. I mean, you fucked around with him for so long. You still want him, too?”
“No!” Jensen shouts. “You’re my boyfriend. Although at the moment I’m not exactly sure why. You’re acting like a dick and I didn’t even do anything!”
Jensen bites his lip, eyes going wide and glassy. It’s the first time he’s looked hurt since this whole thing started, and the angry red haze marring Jared’s vision clears a little. Jensen is breathing hard, skin bone white where it’s stretched over his knuckles.
“You wanna know why I did all that shit with Chris?” Jensen asks, and no, he really doesn’t. Jared opens his mouth to speak but Jensen cuts him off when he swallows thickly and continues. “I was sixteen and I had just realized I was gay. Do you think it was easy for me to just go out and meet people? I barely had enough nerve to tell you, let alone my family and my friends. I wasn’t about to just go out and pick up random guys.”
“Jensen.” Jared notices the way he emphasized you, like Jared is not only family, not just a friend. Like he’s something more than both.
“I wanted to know what it felt like to be kissed just like you did, like every fucking teenager does. So when Chris kissed me, I let him. Because he was safe.” Jensen’s voice cracks a little, but he doesn’t look away from Jared. “And then I – fuck – I started having feelings for you. My straight best friend. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?”
There are tears in Jensen’s eyes now, and that’s when Jared realizes he has just made a huge fucking mistake. He’s still angry, but he’s not quite sure who it’s directed at anymore.
“It’s like you were trying to set a fucking record, kiss every girl that would stand still long enough and then come tell me about it and I was just supposed to smile and nod, right? I was jealous and sad and angry, and I kept going back to Chris to feel something different.”
Jared opens his mouth again, his heart thundering against his ribcage. He doesn’t know what to say but he doesn’t want to hear anymore.
“But I never let him fuck me,” Jensen says brokenly, tears rolling down his cheeks. “He asked, but I never let him. You know why? I wasn’t fucking in love with him! I loved you! You’re all I wanted, all I fucking thought about, and it fucking sucked. Chris was a weak substitution for something I never thought I would get, okay?”
“Still doesn’t change how he feels about you,” Jared says, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Jensen just laughs humorlessly, wiping his palm across his wet eyes.
“How does what he feels have anything to do with us?” Jensen asks, biting his lip when it starts to tremble. Jared blinks a few times and shrugs helplessly.
“It just does.”
“You know what, Jared?” Jensen says, shaking out his shoulders. “Fuck you. Fuck you for acting like this. Fuck you for doubting how I feel about you for one goddamned second, you asshole.”
And suddenly, any remorse Jared was feeling vanishes. He’s practically vibrating with anger. He’s the one doubting things?
“No, fuck you!” Jared yells, taking a step forward and getting closer to Jensen. He brings one finger up to point, nearly jamming it into Jensen’s chest. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite. I can’t even so much as look at a girl without you thinking I’m getting ready to leave you. You doubt me every single fucking day. I’m the one that has to deal with your insecure bullshit all the time, and when I bring up a legitimate fucking concern you jump down my throat?”
“I’m not the one flirting with everything that fucking moves!” Jensen says, pushing Jared back by his shoulders. Jared stumbles and resists the urge to take a swing at him.
“It’s not flirting, it’s called being friendly! Something you wouldn’t know anything about because you’re the most fucking unfriendly bastard on the planet!” Jared rages, tension simmering under his skin. “We can never fucking go anywhere, or do anything, because you hate everyone for no goddamn reason. And god forbid I ever actually talk to anyone that hasn’t gotten your fucking stamp of approval.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up, Jared,” Jensen says, and Jared curls his hands into fists. He’s seconds away from punching Jensen in the face and he’s never felt like that before. “If I’m such a horrible fucking person to be with then why are you still here? Why aren’t you off fucking some girl if that would make your life so fucking simple?”
“I don’t know!” Jared screams, throwing his arms out to the side and knocking his desk chair over, sending it crashing to the floor with a loud clatter. “Maybe I fucking should be!”
Jensen flinches visibly, recoiling like Jared actually did hit him. There are tears streaming down his face and he blinks rapidly, breath hitching like he’s trying not to sob. Jared takes a deep breath, forcing the air out through his nose. The sudden, lingering silence is nearly deafening.
Their door flies open, nearly hitting Jensen in the process. Misha storms in, and his expression is equal parts annoyed and concerned.
“What the fuck is going on?” Misha demands, stepping between them and pushing them apart. Jared hadn’t even realized how close they’d been, nearly seconds from tackling each other. “I could hear you guys in the goddamn lounge! What’s all the screaming about?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jensen says, voice cracked and rough. He runs his fingers through his hair and sniffs, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his jacket. “I was just leaving.”
“Jensen,” Jared tries, but Jensen is already moving. He’s out the door before Jared can register what’s happening. The slam of the door makes him jump, and he’s surprised to feel two hot tears leak from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. “Fuck!”
He kicks the overturned chair and sweeps random objects off of the desk. Books, pens, and various papers fall to the floor as Jared paces. He’s so angry he doesn’t know how he can contain it. He feels like he’s going to burst at the seams.
He doesn’t realize he’s actually sobbing until Misha pushes him down onto the bed by his shoulders and he can feel the sobs tearing from his lungs, loud noises that he’s never heard himself make before. Misha looks stricken, and Jared just buries his face in his hands, tears rapidly slicking his palms.
He has no idea how things went so wrong so fast.
Jensen isn’t quite sure what the fuck just happened.
All he knows is that his chest hurts from trying to hold back his tears. He knows that they are leaking steadily from his eyes, but he wants to fucking sob. He hurries down the hallway and wipes his eyes as he makes his way down the stairs. He doesn’t even watch where he’s going, nearly tripping when he bumps into someone.
“Whoa, Jenny boy! Where’s the fire?” James reaches out to grab Jensen’s shoulders and he struggles, trying not to let James see his face. “Holy shit, Jensen. What happened?”
“Let me go,” Jensen begs, and he sounds nearly hysterical. James cups his cheek, thumb surprisingly gentle under his eye. Jensen sucks in a deep breath, finally looking up at him. James gasps and glances down the hallway for a moment before looking back at him, eyes full of too much understanding and sympathy.
“Fuck, Jensen,” he says, and a sob finally breaks free. The noise echoes throughout the stairwell and Jensen rips himself out of James’s grasp, hurrying out of the dorm and into the bright sunshine.
He blinks against the bright light, ignoring the startled looks he gets from passersby as he heads for the parking lot. He realizes after a quick check of his pockets that he left his keys up in the room. He stands in the parking lot for a moment, feeling lost as he tries to get his crying in check. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, knowing he doesn’t want to make the walk across campus like this. His hand is shaking so bad he can barely hold down the speed dial button.
“Hey Jen!” At the sound of her voice, Jensen lets out another sob. “Oh my god. Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Can you come get me?” Jensen pleads, voice hitching between words. He feels so fucking pathetic. “I’m in front of the dorm, and I don’t have my keys, and – and I can’t go back up there, Sandy, please.”
“I’m already on my way to my car,” Sandy says, and thankfully she doesn’t ask anymore questions. Jensen knows that won’t last for long, but he’ll take what he can get. “I’ll be there in two minutes, baby. Just take deep breaths.”
Jensen does, listening to her move on the other end of the line. He can hear the slam of a car door and the sudden burst of loud music before it shuts off. He focuses on the sound of her breathing, the roar of the car engine, instead of staring at the entrance to the dorm.
She’s there within minutes, and as soon as he spots her car he ends the call. He stares at his phone for a moment before turning it off and slipping it in his pocket. Sandy goes to get out of the car and he shakes his head, instead climbing into the passenger seat. He doesn’t want to make anymore of a scene.
“Oh, Jensen,” she says, leaning over to put her hand on his cheek. A sob escapes his lips and he reaches up to put his hand over hers. “You fought?”
He just nods, turning in towards her. She wraps her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. Her arms are so small, so fragile. It feels so different than the embrace he is so used to.
“Do you mind if we skip the party?” He sniffs miserably, tears leaking from his eyes as he buries his face in her hair. She swats at his back, pulling back to kiss his forehead.
“I’m all yours tonight,” she says, cradling the back of his head. “My roommate went home for the weekend.”
Jensen just nods and pulls back to sit properly and fasten his seatbelt. Sandy starts the car and makes the short drive back to her dorm in silence. They walk to her room hand in hand, the tips of her acrylic nails digging into his skin. A sort of numbness has washed over him for the moment, and he clings to it desperately.
Once they’re in Sandy’s room, she shuts the door and locks it. She turns off her phone and tosses it on the desk before going to sit on the bed, patting the spot next to her. Jensen sits down and stares despondently at the wall. Sandy’s tiny hand comes up to rest between his shoulder blades.
“What happened?” She asks softly, tone conveying that she won’t be offended if Jensen doesn’t answer. He considers ignoring her, but the words spill out before he can stop them.
“I don’t even know,” he starts, quick and breathless. “I said I was going out with Chris and he fucking lost it. Said Chris wanted me and accused me of having feelings for him, which is fucking insane. I never had feelings for Chris even when we were fooling around. I told him he was being an asshole and we just started screaming at each other like we never have before. I asked him why he was even with me and he said – he said he didn’t even know.”
“He didn’t mean that,” Sandy says instantly, rubbing his back in soothing circles. Jensen’s vision blurs with a fresh set of tears and he takes in a shuddering breath.
“I don’t even know if we’re still together,” Jensen sobs, and Sandy pulls him into a hug. They end up lying on her tiny bed, his head pillowed on her chest as she rubs his back and presses kisses to the top of his head. “Everything was fine and then – and then it just wasn’t.”
He lets himself break then, clutching onto Sandy and sobbing into her soft pink tee shirt. He cries until he feels sick, until his pulse throbs behind his eyes in time with his rapid heartbeat. Sandy just holds him through it, doesn’t make him feel pathetic or weak.
“It’ll be alright,” she promises, reaching up to cup his cheek. “Both of you just need to take a few hours and then you can go talk to him, okay?”
He nods against her collarbone, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. They’re swollen and sore, and he squeezes them shut.
He feels so stupid, crying like this over one fight. But Jared means so much to him that the tiniest little fissure in the foundation of their relationship feels like a bullet to the heart. No one else on the planet could get this sort of reaction out of Jensen, no one but Jared.
He eventually exhausts himself, falling to sleep wrapped around Sandy’s tiny frame.
Jared is getting really fucking sick of James and Misha eyeing him like a ticking time bomb. He’s finally stopped crying and they both stopped trying to get him to talk. Now he’s just lying on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. He’s well missed his class, and the sun is starting to set.
There are already sounds of the party starting up, people getting a head start on the night’s festivities.
“I’m, uh, on duty tonight,” Misha says awkwardly, glancing over at James who bites his lip and shrugs helplessly.
“Go,” Jared says, voice scratchy and rough. Misha looks relieved and disappears out the door. James shifts his weight, standing in the middle of the room. “You too.”
“But Jared – “
“Please,” Jared says, swallowing hard and not looking at him. James sighs, running his hand through his shaggy hair.
“Just – don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Jared snorts and James heads for the door. “I’ll be around if you need me.”
Jared lies there long after they leave, just focusing on breathing in and out until the sun dips completely below the horizon and leaves the room dark. The ache in his chest is overwhelming, and he rolls out of bed and flicks on the bedside lamp.
He bites his lip and grabs his phone to call Jensen, not really surprised when it goes straight to voicemail. At the sound of Jensen’s chipper, recorded voice, his breath hitches again.
You’ve reached Jensen. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. If it’s really important, try Jared’s celI.
God, he fucked up. He ends the call and paces, chewing on the end of his thumbnail. He finally stops and opens his phone again, dialing another familiar number. He squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath as he listens to it ring, suddenly afraid.
“Hey,” Chris answers, and Jared nearly loses his nerve and hangs up.
“Uh, hey,” he starts, wincing when he realizes his voice is still shot to shit. “Is Jensen with you?”
“Sure ain’t. We were supposed to meet up earlier but when I didn’t hear from him I figured he found better shit to do,” Chris replies, and Jared lets out a sigh of relief. “Why are you askin’ me, anyway? Thought you two never strayed too far from the other.”
“I’ll find him,” Jared grits out, scowling. He mumbles out a goodbye and closes the phone. Chad and Sophia were skipping the party to go have some sort of date night, so that pretty much leaves Sandy and Josh. And if Jensen hasn’t alerted Josh to the fact that they had a fight, then Jared sure as hell isn’t going to.
Sandy’s phone also goes straight to voicemail, so Jared assumes that’s where Jensen is. He sighs and runs his hand through his hair again, listening to the ever-growing sounds of a party in full swing just outside his door.
Sitting alone in the room is making him antsy so he heads out, edging around people as he makes his way towards the lounge. There is a card table laden with various bottles of booze, and Jared heads straight for it without a second thought. The loud music and mindless chatter of his fellow students is almost enough to distract him from his thoughts and he bypasses beer entirely, instead filling up a token red cup with rum and adding a splash of cola.
A few hours pass in which Jared gets completely fucking hammered and awkwardly ends conversation with anyone who asks him where Jensen is, which is pretty much everyone. He’s miserable, the ache in his chest making it hard for him to even breathe. James and Misha check in on him occasionally, but they’re too busy making sure the party doesn’t get out of hand to pay him much attention.
He’s sitting on one of the couches in the lounge, absently circling the rim of his cup with an unsteady finger and staring at the rain coating the window when someone lands hard on the couch next to him. His drink goes flying, and he looks over to see Jessica gasping as the ice-cold liquid soaks through her thin top.
“Shit, ‘m sorry,” Jared slurs, looking around as if a napkin or a towel will suddenly appear. She just laughs and stands up. Her legs are bare, hips barely covered by a tiny denim skirt, and Jared averts his eyes.
“It’s okay,” she replies, reaching out to steady herself on Jared’s shoulder. She looks at him and bites her bottom lip. “It’s just that, um, I’m sort of locked out of my room. Katie is – well, it’s occupied. So could I maybe borrow a shirt or something?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jared replies, getting up on shaky legs. “I am probably just gonna go crash anyway. Sorta had a rough day.”
“Aw, Jared,” she coos, walking with him towards their room. He misses the way she smirks slightly, eyes glinting. He also just barely misses Katie leaning against the wall and talking with a group of people, obviously not locked up in her room. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No,” he says, laughing bitterly. He fumbles drunkenly with his key for a moment before getting the door open, absently locking it behind him. The room is dark, dimly lit by only the desk lamp. The air mattress is propped up against the wall and he avoids looking at it as he makes his way to his closet. He tosses Jessica an old baggy shirt of his, and she smiles as she unabashedly pulls her shirt over her head. Jared clears his throat and turns his head to the side, stumbling a little as he makes his way over to his bed to sit down.
She comes to stand in front of him, and Jared looks up at her. She’s swimming in the shirt, the hem hanging lower than that of her skirt.
He loves it when Jensen wears his clothes, loves the way they aren’t too big on him. His eyes fill up with tears and he blinks rapidly.
“I could make you feel better,” Jessica says, reaching up to cup his cheek as she moves closer to him. Jared grabs her wrist and gently pushes her back, but his head is swimming and he feels about two seconds from passing out.
“No you couldn’t,” Jared slurs miserably. He falls over sideways, barely managing to pull his feet up onto his bed. “I’ma sleep.”
He doesn’t know whether she leaves or not before his eyes slip shut.
When Jensen wakes up, he feels like shit, both physically and emotionally. His eyes are swollen and burning, his head is throbbing and he has a sour taste in his mouth. Sandy turns away from her desk and presses a cold, wet cloth over his eyes. He sighs gratefully.
“Feeling better?” She asks uneasily, like she knows it’s a stupid question but she doesn’t know what else to say. Jensen doesn’t answer, just focuses on the cool pressure on his eyes and her fingers in his hair.
“What do I do?” Jensen asks desperately, glad she can’t see his eyes. “I – I don’t want to lose him.”
“Oh, honey,” Sandy says, her fingers trailing across his cheek. “You got into a fight, just like every other couple in the world. The next step is making up.”
“But,” Jensen starts, and Sandy shushes him. She makes everything sound so simple, but Jensen is at a complete loss. He and Jared are great at living harmoniously, and absolutely terrible at fighting.
“No buts,” she replies, pressing the cloth down more firmly against his eyes for a moment before pulling it away. He blinks rapidly against the sudden light, but both his eyes and his head feel marginally better. “You guys love each other so much. That isn’t going to end because of one fight.”
Jensen nods, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up. Sandy is smiling softly at him, and he pats her thigh and gives her a grateful smile.
“I should go home,” Jensen says, biting his lip. “Talk to him.”
“I’ll drive you,” Sandy says, getting up off of the bed and grabbing her coat. “It’s late and it’s really coming down out there.” Jensen furrows his brow and looks over at the clock, eyes widening when he sees that it is after one in the morning. He just nods and gets up, stretching his arms over his head.
He’s nervous as he walks through the quiet halls with Sandy. He’s still angry, still hurt, but his desire to be with Jared outweighs that. He needs to see him, touch him, and make sure they’re going to be okay.
“Thanks,” Jensen says when she pulls up in front of the dorm. He takes off his seatbelt and turns towards her. “For everything.”
“You’re welcome,” she says, pulling him into a hug. “Do you want me to come up?”
“No, it’s okay,” Jensen replies, pulling away and taking a deep breath, psyching himself up. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
She nods and wishes him luck as he gets out of the car, jogging to hurry out of the rain. The walk up to his floor seems to take hours, and he feels exhausted even though he just slept for nearly seven hours. The party is still going, low music ghosting down the halls. Most everyone seems to have retreated into rooms or the lounge, because there aren’t many people left in the hall.
He walks up to their door and closes his eyes for a moment, hands curling into fists before he lets out a deep breath and grips the handle. The door is locked, and he pats his pockets before remembering that he left his keys inside. He rolls his eyes, feeling like an idiot as he brings his hand up to knock.
“Hey, I –“ He cuts himself off when Jessica appears at the door. He blinks and shakes his head in confusion. She is probably the very last person he wants to see right now, yet here she is, answering the door to his room at two in the morning. He even takes a step back and looks at the room number, just in case.
“Oh, Jensen. Hey,” she says, biting her lip. That’s when Jensen notices she is wearing one of Jared’s tee shirts, and what appears to be nothing else. Dread forms in the pit of his stomach and he rolls his lips into his mouth. “Jared is, uh, sleeping.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just pushes roughly past her and into the room. The lights are off and Jared is passed out on his stomach, covers up to his neck. Jensen surveys the room quickly. The desk is empty, all the contents scattered on the floor and Jessica’s shirt is in a pile next to her shoes.
Jensen feels sick, consumed with pain, and anger, and the overwhelming feeling that everything he lived for just ceased to be. He leans over to search for his keys in the mess of papers and books on the floor. His hands are shaking so badly that when he finally finds them and picks them up the key chains clink together.
Jared wakes up then, letting out a snuffling noise as he rolls out of bed. Jensen whirls on him, and he wants to throw up at the sight of him. He looks sleepy and gorgeous, and up until five minutes ago Jensen wouldn’t have thought him so thoroughly capable of breaking his heart.
“Jensen!” Jared says, and surges forward to grab his arms. At that touch, the same one that he was craving so badly just moments ago, he loses it.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” He shouts, pushing Jared back with all his might. Jared trips over his shoes and lands awkwardly on the bed, looking up at Jensen in confusion. Jensen blinks against the swell of tears in his eyes, swallowing against the lump of anger in his throat. He holds his trembling hands in front of him, shaking his head. “We’re done.”
He turns to see Jessica still standing there, and the look he gives her is one of pure hatred. “Get the fuck out of my way,” he snarls, and she steps aside as he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
He hurries down the stairs and out of the dorm, much like earlier. But this time, he doesn’t call Sandy. He gets into his car and knows there is only one place he can go, one person that can hold him together when he’s so close to falling apart.
He turns the key in the ignition and his tires squeal as he flies out of the parking lot.
He needs his brother.
Jared stares at the closed door for almost a full minute, blinking rapidly. He’s still stupidly drunk, and his wrist hurts from where he landed on it after Jensen pushed him.
He looks from the door to see Jessica, hair rumpled and lipstick smeared, wearing his tee shirt that hangs lower than her skirt, so it looks like she’s wearing nothing else at all. The desk is cleared off and the pillows from his bed are lying on the floor.
He feels sick when he finally gets it. Jensen thinks he slept with her. He looks up at her, eyes blazing. At that moment, rage feels marginally better than the pain threatening to overwhelm him.
“What the fuck are you still doing in here?” Jared asks angrily, getting up and stuffing his feet into his shoes. “Why did you let Jensen think we did anything?”
“I – I don’t know!” She stammers, eyes widening as he approaches her. “I like you so much, Jared, and –“
“You like me? And what, you thought if you got rid of my boyfriend, the person I need like the fucking air I breathe, that I would just fall into your waiting arms?” Jessica’s mouth opens and closes and she backs up against the wall. Tears sting Jared’s eyes and he doesn’t know what to do with all the hurt. “You – you just cost me everything.”
“I’m sorry,” she tries, eyes welling up with tears. Jared just grabs her by the elbow and leads her out of the room. He barely spares the time to shut the door before he’s running downstairs. He bursts out of the dorm and runs out into the pouring rain. It soaks him to the skin and he lets out a violent shiver, dressed only in jeans and a tee shirt.
A quick scan of the parking lot tells him that Jensen’s car is gone, and he is way too drunk to even consider driving himself anywhere. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials a number, uncaring of the rain.
“Jared?” Sandy asks, obviously confused, and Jared can barely hear her over the pounding rain. “What’s going on?”
“Is Jensen with you?” Jared asks desperately, even though it’s clear by her tone that he isn’t. She’d be screaming at him if she knew what Jensen thought.
“No. I just dropped him off like ten minutes ago. He was going to try and make up with you,” she replies, and Jared squeezes his eyes shut. Hot tears mix with freezing rain, and he shuts the phone and puts it back in his pocket. There is only one other place he can think of, and he takes off into a brisk run.
Onto Part 5.
